Monday, June 17, 2013

An apology to Aik

On this year's Father's Day, one thing has been gnawing away at my mind.

I hate to see how much my son is missing out on quality time with parents, and this is a very sincere, heartfelt apology to you, Aik. I write it now while the thought is fresh and the feelings are raw in the hope that you will see this when you are old enough to read and understand my words.

I am sorry that I could not hold on to the dreams I had, for us, when you were conceived. My hopes and intention were to dedicate my time to you completely, at least in the first few years of your life.

I dreamt of seeing you grow as your daddy and I held your hand, and guided you through life together.

But then this is life, son. And life sometimes takes abrupt, unpleasant turns and it cannot be helped.

Things didn't work out and your daddy had to leave. And you became solely my life, my love, my responsibility.

And that changed things.

When responsibilities double, that takes away time from us.

I'm sorry I absorbed myself so completely in work. It was as much for my sanity, for dealing with the blow life had dealt our way, as to support you singlehandedly.

I try my best to give you all you need and to be there for you. I accept it is nowhere near enough though. And I apologise for that.

As you have just turned three, Mummy promises to try finding a way to try and make up for lost time. To sort out a way to make things stable enough so as to balance supporting you and dedicating quality time to spend with you.

I love you, Aikie. More than I have loved anyone ever.

I am trying my best to be mummy, friend and oftentimes even daddy, to you.

I hope life takes us to a better place soon.


Wednesday, June 05, 2013

A little hope in times of despair.

The loud silence saws away at the threads of my sanity.
It is the mute screams of a soul in despair,
The unheard wails of a conscience shattered into a million shards,
The stifled sobs as these shards push into the depths of my heart.

Despite the tough masks I wear for the world,
As my dreams bled to death I looked on, not seeing.
I stood numb and stared, teary-eyed and confused,
As around me, the world collapsed,
As dreams died and thoughts turned to venom.

As life, itself, became worthless.


A hand reaches out, a voice whispers in my ear.
"All's not lost. I'm here, always."

Could it be?

Is there still hope?
Can dreams be rebuilt and life rekindled?
Can love cure wounds and be antidote to a poisoned conscience?

I will hold that hand and walk on again,
We will find the soul I lost and try again.

May God forgive me for that fleeting thought of despair,
For the yearning I had to bleed to death with the dream.