Suicide Sticks

What is it about this suicide stick that makes it so appealing?
What is it about this flirtation with death that makes me light up smoke after smoke?

Is it the sheer confidence that death will come, coupled with the uncertainty of when?

But then, doesn't that sound like life itself?
Isn't that what this existence does in the end?
So, perhaps, all that this suicide stick does is lift away half of life's burdens.

Let me light one up.
Burn away another few minutes of my life.
Gaze up at some moments that won't ever come rise up in a wisp of smoke from the tip of my suicide stick.

Let my mind soar with the smoke,
Let my thoughts shine like the glow at the end of my suicide stick.

Let me disappear in my mind and wonder how, and why, this that kills kills whilst giving me such joy.

The Desire to Disappear.

The desire to disappear,
To make believe I am not.
To live among strangers,
People I expect would care not.

The pressures it frees me from,
The absolute absence of obligations.
The purest form of freedom,
to live beyond familiar limitations.

I have done so once before,
Forced into it by circumstance.
I wished then I could remain so,
And that none felt my absence.

Life, of course, takes it own course.
I do think of coming back with such remorse.

If I can, I will disappear again,
To live life as me,
And not how society demands I be.

Good night.

It's so quiet here.

It's blissful to sit alone and just enjoy the hum of silence, the fleeting shadows in the semi-dark, the thoughts that seep through a heavy, yet still, mind.

It's a small relief to let go, if only for a split second, of the worries that life push our way.

To sit in a corner with the breeze caressing me, and causing leaves to rustle, and to decidedly refuse to care what tomorrow may leave me to deal with.

I like the lack of fucks I give in this short-lived moment. This is a rare gift from life, this feeling of not caring, of hiding away all my fears and trepidations.

This heavy-hearted peace that comes with the momentary realisation that fret as much as I might, the troubles that are meant for me will come my way regardless. That I will just have to deal with it as best I can. And should I make the wrong choices, well, I'll just have to deal with it, again, as best I can.

And so this soul was at peace for the duration of less than a dozen heartbeats. Now the troubled mind awakens, and this tired self is left best asleep.

Good night, scary little world.

Again.

Confusion reigns in my mind.

Pleasant chaos leading to many a sleepless night,
Loving so much it leaves me in such a fright.

When will it learn,
This foolish heart of mine.
Why does it still yearn,
When without love it was doing fine.

Thought there was so much a woman could take,
And yet again I surprise myself.
For the sake of love, I put my mind and heart at stake,
Is this me about to add another heartbreak onto that shelf?

Lord, spare me the heartache.
Should I walk ahead or should I walk away?
So much at stake on this one decision I must make.
Lord, pray tell, should I go or should I stay?