Sunday, January 06, 2013

Fear of Deception

Caution: A troubled heart is about to speak. Do not venture on if you find rants and platitudes bothersome.

Like 2012, I've begun 2013 with the intention of remaining single.

Unlike 2012, I hope to see the year through while still staying single.

Last year, I saw myself step into a relationship by mid-year, only to see it end before the end of the year in the usual manner: deception.

Being a person for whom honesty is the one value held in the highest regard, deception of any form is hard to accept, hard to get over, and hard to deal with. Deception and being lied to leaves me a little more dead every time. And yet, I find myself getting into relationships time and again.

But no. This year, I intend to give myself time to build walls and strengthen my defences. Time enough to ensure the next deception, which will doubtless come, will leave me less scared and less scarred.

I know everyone faces similar lots in life; perhaps I'm just much worse at dealing with mine.

At the moment, I have a soul in conflict:
A naive heart that longs to share, and a weary mind that cautions to steer clear.

Life itself has left me weary. Society has made me pessimistic about people. People have left me cynical about their intentions.

Isn't it funny how the world takes you by the hand, leads you into momentary bliss, just before pushing you off into an abyss of lies? Isn't it amazing how society contributes to your troubles, and then proceeds to judge you by them?

I have decided to side with my mind. I'll fully embrace my philophobia, my fear of attachment, my fear of dependence, my fear of happiness felt through being with another; all of  which stems from my fear of deception.

I turn away not because I'm bitter, but because I'm cautious.
I tread lightly not because I'm timid, but because I'm tired.

1 comment:

  1. It is true. the society creates our troubles. and turns around and then judges us too.
    It's hard to find someone who is compatible, honest and loyal. asking for honesty is like wishing for snow in the Maldives.

    Nonetheless, I wish you happiness.
    Being not dependent on anyone. being your own boss. not having to report to anyone. total independence is something to be treasured. Make the best of it until the next idiot comes along to woo you.